ANIMALS

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. (Bern Williams)

It is just like man’s vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions. (Mark Twain)

It’s practically impossible to look at a penguin and feel angry.

It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English---up to fifty words used in correct context---no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese. (Carl Sagan)

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?...A dog that rips your leg off, then goes for help.

If cats could talk, they wouldn’t. (Nan Porter)

DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. (Garrison Keillor)

Mama bear to sleepless papa bear: “How many times have I told you, no coffee after September!”

A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Two female ostriches were walking down the beach when they noticed two male ostriches running towards them.

One girl says to the other, “Oh-oh, here come those rowdy boys…we better hide,” and they stuck their heads into the sand.

The two male ostriches run up, stop and look around. One says to the other, “Hey…where’d they go?”

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would have thought of that!” (Dave Barry)

Posted on a bulletin board: Mixed-breed puppies, $500 each. Ask about special $500 rebate.

Thousands of years ago cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man’s. (Mark Twain)

You cannot look at a sleeping cat and feel tense. (Jane Pauley)

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?...Elephino?! (Bill Webb)

FIRST DOG: I can’t figure it out. I’m in perfect physical shape, but I’m constantly anxious.

SECOND DOG: Why don’t you go to a psychiatrist?

FIRST DOG: How can I? I’m not allowed on the couch.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside a dog it is too dark to read. (Groucho Marx)

Dogs come when they’re called; Cats take a message and get back to you.

BABY SNAKE: Mommy, are we poisonous?

MAMA SNAKE: Why do you ask?

BABY SNAKE: I just bit my tongue.

When a dog runs at you, whistle for him. (Henry David Thoreau)

The problem with cats is they get the exact same look whether they see a moth or an axe murderer. (Paula Poundstone)

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. (Ann Landers)

Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other, “You look like you’re wearing a tuxedo.” The other penguin replies, “Who says I’m not?”

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. (Mark Twain)

Dogs look up to you; cats look down on you; pigs treat you as an equal. (Winston Churchill)