FOOD
I
prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don’t require so
much cooking. (Carrie Snow)
You
can think as much as you like but you will not invent anything better than
bread and salt. (Russian Proverb)
If
you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
I
had to go on two diets at once…I wasn’t getting enough food on just one.
The
biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books…how not to eat what
you’ve just learned how to cook. (Andy Rooney)
(Sign
above a scale in a doctor’s office) Pretend it’s your I.Q.
Appetite
is the best sauce. (French Proverb)
Mushrooms
always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.
A
McDonald’s “Breakfast for Under a Dollar” actually costs much more than that.
You have to factor in the cost of coronary-bypass surgery. (George Carlin)
I
went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time.
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)
You
better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.
(Yogi Berra)
Avoid
cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the
vegetables while you chop.
A
chain of Elvis Presley steak houses appeals to diners who love meat tender.
If
I’d known I was gonna live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
(Eubie Blake, pianist and composer. 1883-1983)
I
enjoy cooking with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food I’m cooking.
(Julia Child)
We
ought to have a diet salad dressing called “500 Island.” (George Carlin)
I’m
on a grapefruit diet…I eat everything except grapefruit.
Why
does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger
and I realize, ‘Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.’ (Lynda Montgomery)
“Dunlop’s Disease”…When your belly done
lopped over your belt.
If
you don’t chew your food, who will? (Sign on restaurant wall, Oakland,
California)
If
you are what you eat, I’m dead meat.
In
general, my children refused to eat anything that hadn’t danced on TV. (Erma
Bombeck)
The
second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re
off it. (Jackie Gleason)
Where
do you go to get anorexia? (Shelley Winters)
I
really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.
(Ellen DeGeneres)
A
great new diet …you can eat ANYTHING YOU WANT…but you have to eat it sitting
around with naked fat people.
I
know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy
right up to the day he killed himself.
Health
nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
(Redd Foxx)
The
most important part of any meal is someone to eat it with.
The
Japanese eat little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British and Americans. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and they, too,
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat and
drink whatever you like…speaking English is apparently what kills you.
I’m
pushing 60. That’s enough exercise for me. (Mark Twain)
Scientists
are now saying that obesity can be caused by viruses. I guess you have to eat a
lot of them. (Gregg Siegel)
The
horse and mule live 30 years
And nothing know of wines or beers.
The
goat and sheep at 20 die
And never taste of scotch or rye.
The
cow drinks water by the ton
And at 18 is mostly done.
The
dog at 15 cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin.
The
cat in milk and water soaks
And then in 12 short years it croaks.
The
modest, sober, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs, then dies at 10.
All
animals are strictly dry;
They sinless live and swiftly die;
But
sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive for three score years and ten.
And
some of them, a very few,
Stay pickled till they’re 92.
“Never
eat more than you can lift” (Miss Piggy)
If
people were not meant to have late night snacks, why did God put a light in the
refrigerator?
Your
body is your current address. (Tom Newbill)
The
Donger needs food! (John Hughes)
I’m
on a 60-day diet. So far I’ve lost 45 days. (Minerva Schurke)
Money
talks. Chocolate sings.
Health
food makes me sick. (Calvin Trillin)
Only
Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
If
a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
I
don’t even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. (Katherine Cebrian)
I
use a smoke alarm as a timer. (Carol Siskind)
Honey
is said to be the only food that doesn’t spoil.
I
never feel lonely in the kitchen. Food is very friendly. (Julia Child)
THE
FOUR BASIC FOOD GROUPS:
1) Fast
2) Frozen
3) Take-out
4) Delivered
How
to trap fruit flies:
Place a small bowl on the counter. Put
enough apple cider vinegar to cover bottom of
bowl. Cover with plastic wrap (tight) secure with
rubber band. Poke tiny holes (with toothpick) in
top of plastic wrap. Flies get in and can't get out!