MEDICINE

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. (Demetri Martin)

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. (Jerry Garcia-The Grateful Dead)

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Splinter remover: Duct tape.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. (Steven Wright)

What disease did cured ham actually have?

I had amnesia once or twice.

Never go a doctor whose office plants have died. (Erma Brombeck)

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says, “You’re crazy.” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, “Okay, you’re ugly too!” (Rodney Dangerfield)

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous…everyone hasn’t met me yet. (Rodney Dangerfield)

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I have to pay in advance. (Rodney Dangerfield)

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.” (Rodney Dangerfield)

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. (Steven Wright)

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

My doctor said I looked like a million dollars…green and wrinkled. (Red Skelton)

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. (Spike Milligan)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)

The chief cause of stress is reality. (Lily Tomlin)