ABDICATE:
To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
ADVERTISING:
The rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. (George Orwell)
ADVERTISING:
Legalized lying. (H.G. Wells)
ADVERTISING:
The cave art of the 20th century. (Marshall McLuhan)
ADVERTISING:
The “wonder” in Wonder Bread. (Jeff Richards)
ARBITRAITOR:
A cook who leaves Arby’s to work for McDonald’s.
ATOM
BOMB: An invention to end all inventions.
BALDERDASH:
A rapidly receding hairline.
BARGAIN:
Something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist. (Franklin Jones)
BENIGN:
What you will be after you be eight.
BOREDOM:
The desire for desires. (Leo Tolstoy)
COGNITO
ERGO SPUD: I think, therefore I yam.
COGNITO
EGGO SUM: I think, therefore I am a waffle.
COMOTOES:
When your foot falls asleep.
DECAFALON:
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only those things that
are good for you.
DEJA
MOO: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
DIJON
VU: The same mustard as before.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
ECLIPSE:
What a cockney barber does for a living.
ESPLANADE:
To attempt an explanation while drunk.
ETC.:
A sign to make others believe you know more that you actually do.
FAX
MACHINE: A device that allows someone in another state to pile work on your
desk. (Mrs. Webster’s Guide to Business)
FIBULA:
a small lie.
FLABBERGASTED:
appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
FLABRICATION:
The weight on your driver’s license.
FLASHLIGHT:
A case for holding dead batteries.
FLATULENCE:
Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
FREUDIAN
SLIP: When you say one thing but mean your mother.
GARGOYLE:
Olive-flavored mouthwash.
GENERICA:
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where
one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions, etc.
GIRAFFITI:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
HECK:
Where people who don’t believe in Gosh go.
HEROS:
What a guy in a boat does.
HIPATITIS:
Terminal coolness.
INOCULATTE:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
LOTTERY:
A tax on people who are bad at math.
LYMPH:
To walk with a lisp.
MAGAZINE:
a device used to induce people to read advertising. (James Collins)
MOMENTUM:
What you give a person when they are going away.
OHNO-SECOND:
That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a
BIG mistake.
OYSTER:
A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
PARASITES:
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
POKEMON:
A Rastafarian proctologist.
PROFESSOR:
Some who talks in someone else’s sleep.
REGEORGITATION:
When the vending machine spits back your dollar bill.
REINTARNATION:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
RESPONDEZ
S’IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you’re Scottish.
RIGOR
MORRIS: The cat is dead.
SARCHASM:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
SATISFACTORY:
Where satisfaction comes from.
SUBDUED:
A guy who works on submarines.
VACUUM:
A large, empty space where the pope lives.
VENI,
VIDI, VICE: I came, I saw, I partied.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
Drawing
on my fine command of language, I said nothing. (Robert Benchley)
My
vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever.