E-MAIL FROM GOD
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel to check it out. He called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a short time.

When she returned she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth - 95% is bad and 5% is good".

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send a male angel - to get both points of view."

When the male angel returned he told God, "Yes, the Earth is in serious decline - 95% bad and 5% good".

God knew this was quite serious. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them; to provide that little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

Oh!.......You didn't get one either???!!!

CAMPING OUT
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson…look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see a million stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute…then replied: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentionally billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Watson asked. Holmes was silent for a moment…And then spoke: "Watson, you twit!…Someone has stolen our tent!"

FINANCE
If your outgo exceeds your income, your upkeep will be your downfall.
I'm underpaid and worth every penny of it.
My reality check just bounced.
I had plastic surgery last week…I cut up my credit cards. (Henny Youngman)
I've got the Midas touch…everything I touch turns into a muffler.
Two can live as cheaply as one…for half as long.
Let's go Dutch…you pay and I'll wear wooden shoes.
Money's like manure…It doesn't do any good unless you spread it around.
That's the way it goes…first your money, then your clothes.
  --Irene Johns (My Mom)
They say money talks, well, mine just says "Goodbye."
I started out with nothing…and I've managed to hold onto most of it.

MARX
A psychology professor and a history professor are sitting on the porch of a nudist colony watching the sunset. The historian says to the psychologist, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replies, "Yes. I think it's the wicker chairs."

SCOTTISH SCONES (from Leslie's Grandma)
2 cups flour (I like to use 1¾ white unbleached + ¼ wheat)
3 tbls sugar
1 tbls baking powder
1 teas salt
¼ cup shortening
½-1 cup raisins (I like to chop them a bit…also, prunes are really good…dried cranberries or apricots too) grated zest of one orange
1 egg
2/3 cup milk

preheat oven to 425 degrees
Mix first 4 ingredients in large bowl.
With a pastry knife, cut in shortening until gravel-like.
Stir in fruit and zest.
Mix egg and milk…reserve 2 tbls for top glaze.
Mix liquid into dry ingredients…a minimum amount of stirring is best, dough will be lumpy.
On a floured surface, shape into a ball, flatten into a round loaf, cut into 8 wedges.
Brush each wedge with reserved egg/milk, sprinkle with sugar (I like brown sugar).
Bake 15-20 minutes…Light brown tops but take care not to burn the bottoms.
Serve with butter.

VETERINARIAN BLUES
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!" With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said "Bark". The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!" The vet shook his head and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50…but with the lab work and the cat scan..."
(Thanks to James St. Hillaire)

SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY
The only proof that there is intelligent life on other planets is that they haven't landed on earth.
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. (Pablo Picasso)

I bought the latest computer
  It came completely loaded
It was guaranteed for 90 days
  but in 30 was outmoded

Time is Nature's way of preventing everything from happening at once.
Sign on an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Scientists at the Califonia Institute of Technology's Infrared Processing and Analysis Center study data from outer space transmitted by our satellites. They also relax and get exercise by playing on a softball team. The name of their team? The Infrared Sox.

New restaurant on the moon…great food…great prices…no atmosphere.
186,000 miles per second…Not just a good idea…It's the law!!
Life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours.
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
If you can't fix it with duct tape, it's broken. (Mike Malone)

PARTNERS
"Where's home for you?" a stranger asks a fellow traveler on a plane. "Wherever she is," comes the reply, as the man points to his wife.
Men are from earth, women are from earth, deal with it.
Shared joy is double joy, and shared sorrow is half-sorrow. (Swedish proverb)
No, I don't understand my husband's theory of relativity, but I know my husband and I know he can be trusted. (Elsa Einstein)
Real love stories don't have endings.
License plate: "ALWZANN"
A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof-the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy waved her wand and poof-the husband was 90.
It takes two to quarrel, but only one to end it. (Spanish proverb)

MANGO SALSA
1 large ripe* mango, peeled & diced
¼ cup sweet onion, diced
¼ cup red bell pepper, minced
1 serrano or jalapeno pepper, seeded & minced
1/3 cup orange juice
juice of one lime
1 tablespoon olive oil
½ teaspoon salt

Put all ingredients into a quart jar (will be ¾ full).
Let stand at room temperature for 2 to 3 hours.
Serve or refrigerate.
Great with chips or as relish with meat, chicken or fish.

*a ripe mango feels like a ripe peach.

Caiola

CAJUN SEASONING-complex, lingering, medium hot, no salt.
3 ts cayenne pepper
2 ts cocoa powder
2 ts dry mustard
2 ts onion powder
2 ts garlic powder
2 ts ground cumin
2 ts paprika
1 ts white pepper
1 ts black pepper
1 ts ground cinnamon
1 ts crushed thyme
1 ts crushed tarragon
1 ts crushed oregano
1 ts crushed basil

This recipe fills a standard spice bottle.
Sprinkle on potatoes, eggs, chicken, fish, meats, popcorn and sauces.
Combine 1 Tablespoon seasoning with 1 cup flour for fry coat.
Excellent on chicken livers.

DIETS
"Hello.....This is the Weight-watcher's Hotline.....please hold.....If you'd like to lose a pound right now, please press the star key 10,000 times."

I had to go on two diets at once…I wasn't getting enough food on just one.
I'm on a grapefruit diet…I eat everything except grapefruit.
"Dunlop's Disease"…When your belly done lopped over your belt.
A great new diet …you can eat ANYTHING YOU WANT…but you have to eat it sitting around with naked fat people.
"Never eat more than you can lift" (Miss Piggy)

GREEN PEA SALAD
My Grandma and my Ma both made this simple and tasty salad. It's unusual and has been a surprise hit at pot-lucks more than once.

2 hard-boiled eggs (cold) yolks and whites separated
1/4 cup mayo
1 Tbls. Milk
3/4 stalk celery (chopped pea-sized)
1 (17 oz.) can small green peas (drained)
salt, pepper, paprika

The trick is to mash the hard-boiled egg yolks into the mayo and then, add just enough milk to make a creamy syrup. Smooth but not thin. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Stir in chopped celery and chopped egg-whites. Gently fold in peas. Double or triple for a pot-luck. A generous amount of paprika on top adds a subtle flavor and aroma and brightens up a somewhat dull looking salad. Don't let the looks fool you…it's good!

CHOPS/RANKS/COMEBACKS/PUT-DOWNS
Is that your face or did your pants fall down?
When your IQ rises to 28…sell.
How many times do I have to flush before you leave? Get professional help.
You need a check-up from the neck up.
How many polyesters were killed to make that suit?
Is that your head or did your neck throw up? (Tom Waits)
I'd like to help you out…which way did you come in?
You look tired…have you been thinking?
Did your mother have any children who lived?
Do they ever shut up on your planet?

POETRY?
If called by a panther
   don't anther
(Ogden Nash)

An operatic tenor named Boyce
   shattered fine mirrors with his voice
At a party with class
he broke all the glass
   and rode home in a windy Rolls Royce

C-D-E-D-B-D ducks?
   M-R-not ducks!
O-S-A-R
   C-D-E-D-B-D wings?

One, two, three
   Buckle my shoe
(Robert Benchley)

Poem by Heather Nielson

OSTRICH LOVE
Two female ostriches were walking down the beach when they noticed two male ostriches running towards them. One girl says to the other, "Oh-oh, here come those rowdy boys…we better hide," and they stuck their heads into the sand. The two guys run up, stop and look around. One says to the other, "Hey…where'd they go?"

THE ARTS
Are you an artist or did you just get dressed in the dark?
Boy (to mom): When I grow up I want to be a musician!
Mom: I sorry, Honey, you can't do both.
How is a drum solo like a sneeze?…You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.
If it sounds good, it is good. (Duke Ellington)
There are no wrong notes…only wrong resolutions. (Dizzy Gillespie)
Miles Davis (on how to begin a solo): Think of a note…then don't play it.
What's the difference between an accordian and an onion?…Nobody cries when you chop up an accordian.
There's no money in poetry…but then there's no poetry in money, either. (Robert Graves)
I knew a one-armed piano player once…It took him two minutes to play "The Minute Waltz."
What's the difference between a trumpet and a trombone?…You can make more beltbuckles out of a trombone.
Art is a luxury for which the artist pays. (David Smith-sculptor)
Church for accordian players…Our Lady of Spain.

PEP TALK
Start every day with a smile and get it over with. (W.C.Fields)
If you come to a fork in the road…take it. (Yogi Berra)
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
All opinion is transient, and all work is permanent. (Man Ray)
Life is a riddle. Unfortunately, the answer's not written on the back of anything.
It takes a rare person to want to hear what they don't want to hear. (Dick Cavett)
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. (Wayne Gretsky)
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
It's a sad dog that can't wag it's own tail. (Ben Franklin)
There is no "They," only "Us."
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. (George Carlin)
Nobody who gave their best ever regretted it.
Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors. (African proverb)
Don't aim at the bull's-eye, aim at the center of the bull's-eye.
Nobody's born a bigot.
In a moment of decision, the best thing to do is the right thing to do. The worst thing to do is nothing. (Theodore Roosevelt)
Experience is something you get just after you need it.
The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that the smart man knows what to say, and a wise man knows whether or not to say it.
Think twice…speak once. (Howlin' Wolf)
The harder I work, the luckier I get.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. (Bill Cosby)
Never miss a good chance to shut up.

THAI PEANUT SAUCE
Into sauce pan mix:

1/3 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup brewed black tea
1 tbls +1 teas sugar
2 tbls soy sauce
1 tbls sesame oil
1 teas chili oil
1 tbls + 1 teas rice vinegar

simmer just enough to blend well
toss into warm cooked noodles
top with copped cilantro
and/or green onions

QUESTIONS (e-mail any additions)
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't comin'. (Dom Irerra)
What if Aretha Franklin married Buddy Holly? She'd be Aretha Holly.
If "Quitters never win and winners never quit"…who came up with "Quit while you're ahead?"
Why do they put up pictures of criminals in the post office? What are we supposed to do…write to them?
When blondes have more fun…do they know it?
If Man evolved from the monkeys and apes…why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What washes up on really small beaches? Microwaves.
If you wear an antenna to your wedding…do you get better reception?
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?
What do you have when a midget fortune-teller escapes from prison? A small medium at large.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If "Love is blind"…why is lingerie so popular?
Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
If a pig loses it's voice…is it disgruntled?
What's another word for "Thesaurus?" (Steven Wright)
If "All the world is a stage"…where is the audience sitting?
If "Ignorance is bliss," why aren't more people happy?
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino?!? (Bill Webb)

SUMMER TEA
Into a half gallon container
Pour 6 cups of boiling water
Over 3 Lipton tea-bags
Let steep until cool
Remove tea-bags
Add 2 cups Cran-Mango juice
(or the like)
Pour over ice
Umm, umm, umm
It's Summer!

BENT CLICHES (e-mail any additions)
Don't count your chickens with a hatchet.
Into each rain some life must fall.
You have to learn to take the bad with the worst.
Absence makes the heart grow fungus.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.
Where's there's smoke there's toast.
It's always darkest right before you stub your toe.
Caught between a rock and a hard-boiled egg.
The course of true love gathers no moss.

Dogs and Beer
Two guys are out walking their dogs. One has a German Shepard and one has a Chihuahua. It's a summer day and it's very hot.
Mr. Chihuahua: "Man, it is HOT! I could sure stand a cold beer."
Mr. Shepard: "I know what you mean. Hey, I know a place. Just follow me."
They walk a couple blocks and get to a bar and with a big sign outside announcing, "NO DOGS ALLOWED."
Mr Chihuahua: "Look at that sign! We can't go in there with these dogs."
Mr. Shepard: "I've done this before. Listen, I'll go in first. Just watch me and do what I do and there's no problem."
So the guy with the Chihuahua stands at the door and the guy with the German Shepard goes inside and sits down on a bar stool, the dog sitting on the floor next to him. The bar tender comes over.
Bartender: " 'Afternoon, Buddy. What can I do for you?"
Guy: "I'd like a cold beer."
Bartender: "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you with the dog in here."
Guy: "It's a seeing-eye dog."
Bartender: "Well…okay then."
And he serves him a beer. The guy with the Chihuahua walks in, sits down on a bar stool. The Chihuahua sits on the floor next to him. The bartender comes over.
Bartender: " 'Afternoon, Buddy. What can I do for you?"
Guy: "I'd like a cold beer."
Bartender: "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you with the dog in here."
Guy: "It's a seeing-eye dog."
The bartender leans over the bar to take a closer look at the dog.
Bartender: "But it's a Chihuahua!"
Guy: "You mean, they gave me a Chihuahua?!!"
(Thanks to Bob Devine)

Tongue Twisters (e-mail any additions)
Girl gargoyles and guy gargoyles.

Fred fed Ted bread.
Then Ted fed Fred bread.

Sally in the shoeshine shop
When she sits she shines all day
When she shines she sits all day
Sit, shine, shine, sit,
Sally in the shoeshine shop.

The big black bug bled blue-black blood
A noisey noise annoys an oyster
Where are all our oars?
Free flea spray
The sheik's sixth sheep's sick
Brush each pretzle
A wet red work rag

I bought a box of biscuits
A box of mixed biscuits
And a biscuit mixer

Mrs. Smith's Fish Sauce Shop
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
How are our hors d'oeuvres?

Ned Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not.
So it is better to be Shott than Nott.
Some say Nott was not shot.
But Shott says he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot.
If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, then Shott was shot, not Nott.
However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott, but Nott.

WILLY'S CHILI

2 ½ lbs. ground beef 1 "giant" can pinto beans 1 can ranch beans with jalapenos 1 can pinquitos beans 1 can chili beans 1 "giant" can tomato sauce 3 onions 2 jalapeno peppers 1 pasilla pepper 1 red bell pepper 4 yellow chili peppers 1 Anaheim pepper 1 tbsp chopped garlic 1 tbsp ground cumin 4 tbsp chili powder ½ tsp ground cardamom 1 tsp ground coriander 1 tsp oregano 1 tsp basil 1 tsp sugar 2 tbsp cornmeal

The sauce is Cincinnati-style originally used for chili-dogs. The beans, peppers and onions lighten it up. Savory and satisfying.

In a giant pot, brown meat; remove and drain, but leave a little grease in the pot. Coarsely chop peppers and onions, saute on "high" until the edges are burned a little. Add all other ingredients except cornmeal. Simmer on "low" for few hours. Add cornmeal for thickening.

SIDEWAYS SENTENCES (Please e-mail any additions)
I hurt all over more than any place else.
That's the first time that's ever happened again.
Are you always like this when you get this way?
Indecision may or may not be my problem.
That doesn't make even more sense.
Don't just do something, stand there!
I feel much more like I do now than when I first got here.
You may be wrong but you're not far from it.
I can't see you so don't pretend to be there.
Put me out of your misery.
I didn't do it and I'll never do it again.
If you need anything, I'll call you.
I never liked you and I always will.
Why don't you watch where I'm going!
I didn't come in here and I sure as hell ain't leavin'!
That's what I always say sometimes.
I thought you'd never hear from me!
Come back when you can't stay longer.
It's been nice trying to talk to you.
Glad you had a chance to meet me.
Keep in touch with yourself.
Everybody's entitled to my opinion.
There must be a harder way to do this.
Thank you very little.
Don't ever change…I want to forget you just the way you are.
If you don't get everything you want, think of the things that you
don't get that you don't want.
Take me drunk, I'm home.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. (W.C. Fields)
I get up at 6 A.M. no matter what time it is. (Yogi Berra)
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.